Sad. Overwhelmed. Shot.
I am failing so hard today. But I’m failing forward. And what am I really failing at?
I’m failing on my face, crying, asking for a break today. Saying that I’m failing to carry all of these burdens.
And I don’t even want to ask God for help because I’m so mad at Him for “letting” my dad rape me.
I have so much anger and here I am writing posts about coping with it and using it to move forward. But today I am so beat up and worn out.
It’s been a doozy of two weeks.
It is appropriate for me to NOT be able to carry these burdens. These burdens were not meant for human hands, they were meant for God-size hands. But I just FEEL so defeated and hopeless today.
So life is a perfect storm today. And I don’t trust my Life Preserver. I’m really wrestling out “God, how could you let my father rape me?”
I’m working on finding MY Jesus, but the TOXIC Jesus that the pastors and my dad used to make me compliant did a lot of damage.
I can hear God calling me. I can hear Him trying to comfort me. But He doesn’t get to be the hero. He failed me so hard. He doesn’t get to just come swooping in under the guise of “God knows best.”
Yet my soul is so completely connected to the God I do know, who happens to have the same name. And I am so desperate to know what on earth I did to deserve to have God abandon me.
so….Today is an S.O.S. day.
Sad, Overwhelmed, and Seeking.
Seeking peace. Seeking resolution – which I’ve been pretty much told is a pipe dream and that a more realistic goal is “embrace the journey.”
My life path feels like:
And yet now that I’ve RELEASED AND ACKNOWLEDED the causes of my sadness and emotional pain; now that I’ve allowed myself to release my sadness with a good, ugly cry; now that I’ve expressed my challenges, I already feel freer and calmer.
Awareness. Acknowledgment. Friends texting prayers to me. Friends trusting me with their “2020 Dumpster Fire Life Stories” and learning who MY God is.
I do not have many answers to WHY “God let me” be raped by my dad, but God and I are definitely chatting about it.
So, you will have peace-filled days of crushing it euphoria, but there are still plenty of dumpster-fire days. But you are never, ever alone. Look – I’m right here telling you, I promise you are not alone. I promise the voice of HOPE and SELF-LOVE gets louder. Even though my parents’ God was wretched, I am no longer a child and I am now free to choose my own God.
And even in my big feelings, and my grief, and my “life” blowing up in my face during this healing process…I have:
- a husband who adores me
- two beautiful, smart, kind daughters of our own
- friends who love me
- a body and brain that are extremely repairable (neuroplasticity guys)
- a deep breathe
- and a new surrender just for the rest of today.
Healing hurts. The collateral damage is real. It pushes every emotion in every situation to the edge, for a while. But that doesn’t invalidate the brand new coping skills that I am LEARNING to use. It does not invalidate my newfound self-acceptance.
Am I allowed to have S.O.S. days? Abso-freaking-lutely. And so are you, my friend.
We are also allowed to take a deep breath and reset.
We are FREE to move forward, despite our S.O.S. days.
And guess what? It’s unrealistic to expect myself to hold it together all the time. Nope. NEVER going to be perfect.
I cling to the future. I cling to the large and small bits and moments of INNER PEACE.
And I keep on moving forward, even when it feels like a step back.
So, I “lost” toxic relationships; I “lost” my foster baby to his loving, healthy, caring, stable birth mother. I lost my brothers. I “lost” confusion. I “lost” a couple mental health labels (exchanged the “wrong” labels for the correct one – PTSD.) I have “lost” the feeling that I am broken, because now I know my sick father damaged me.
But I have gained: better communication with my husband, a new trust in my husband (my “PTSD cloud” told me anything with a penis was not to be trusted.) I have gained silly playful moments with my two permanent children. I have gained a pretty good 3 year old who needs a safe, loving home. I have gained the ability to state and fill my own needs.
And I hope to gain a healthy relationship with my mom.
I hope to give myself more love. I NEED to give myself more LOVE.
So, dear ones, together let’s go on and complete the rest of this day acknowledging our feelings and our pain and our successes and our victories and our VALID, LEGITIMATE NEEDS.
I am here so you know you’re not broken.
With all the universal love I can muster today, I send some your way. I am going to get my positive vibes in, as I leave you with this:
Blessings, peace and growth,