Today is day 90 since my Big Reveal. If you’re new to my blog, my Big Reveal is the life-altering flashback that put my life onto the path of healing.
I’ve been chronicling my mental health rebound since then on this blog, in my books, on social media – everywhere people can see – because I know there are more “me”’s out there.
I’m publicly sharing my private shame in the hope and intention of being a beacon of light to others drowning under the weight of trauma.
I found a life boat, or rather a life boat crashed into me. And there’s plenty of room for you too. Swim over, climb in.
Biggest Struggles Today: Flashbacks and unBrainwashing
My biggest struggle right now today are these other flashbacks that keep coming now that my PTSD brain is healing, is turning back on. Now my memories are resurfacing in the form of flashbacks. For me this means my body and emotions are in a past reality even while my mind fights to say “no guys, over here in the present! Come back!”
I know it’s the present reality while my body thinks it’s an old reality. 🗓But I choose to win. I choose to believe that living through my Big Reveal and surviving my trauma mean I’m strong and capable. I’m resilient and willing. I’m a hot mess and I need so many tools right now.
I was brainwashed (indoctrinated) into believing that only God, my father (rapist) or the male pastor were more qualified to tell me what to think than I was. Christianity was used to make me compliant, which paired well with my “fawn” trauma response. (“I’m going to do what I can to get this over with as fast as possible since I cannot stop it.”) Religious trauma syndrome, they call it. (Read this.)
I’m already changing my approach with my own children to add things like “you can decide for yourself what you want to believe.”
I do not have permission to think for myself yet, from myself. My therapist is trying; she used the word “autonomy” today and I shut down so hard. My reaction was “you don’t understand, I’ve literally been told my whole life not to thing for myself, that it’s dangerous and I’ll go to hell.” admittedly, a lot of that brainwashing was done by myself to myself through the PTSD cloud of self hate and despair.
So a lot of heavy work ahead of me there but all in due time.
There have been many external proofs of my internal changes these past 90 days.
I’m calm, my self-care has improved, my conversations don’t revolve around my anxiety, I’ve made Jew friends, I’m engaging in new interests, I’m evaluating my spiritual beliefs, I’m I brainwashing, my children and husband are happier….
If you are also a trauma survivor please know that your own journey is valid. You are not alone. There is a crisis text line 741741, use it. I have lots of times. They’ve helped me get myself literally out of a pile of dirt in the dark wishing I was not existing to re-engaging with my family. That’s just one example.
Until next time fellow humans,