Trigger Warning***I’m Fine…

My word for 2020: surrender. And I said, “Ok, God.”

But I forgot to buckle up. Because I was doing fine.

So I went with it. Surrender started deepening my roots a little bit here, a little bit there; before you know it I’m pretty in tune with God; it’s working for me! I guess inner work isn’t so bad after all. Surrender is pretty okay!

But then….

The ‘Rona Fatigue sets in, things are trickier, and before I know it I can’t convince myself that I’m ok anymore. I am not fine.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations are back. A concrete blanket suffocates me. I am drowning. Again. I can’t even try to breathe.

And then…

In my suicidal depression, a healing process begun that I never saw coming. It came like a freight train.

I reached for any and every mental health tool I could get my greedy little hands on as I fought to breathe. As I fought to live. And after all of the baby steps, the willingness, the surrender, my trauma came up out of it’s lockbox of suppression.

God gave me My Big Reveal – my first vivid, honest, soul-crushing rape flashback, complete with audio.

What came in like a freight train was actually the pain coming out. Finally there was a “why” for all of the destruction in my life.

I could have ignored the baby steps, they were subtle; ignored my word for 2020; brushed aside the whisper of hope.

I was “good” with my coping skills. I was “fine.”

Do you hear it? A whisper of hope? A nudge? A “what if?”

“What if [I could think more clear-headed, I could be happier, this nagging feeling of dread could go away…]”

“What if my beliefs about [myself, my partner, my situation] aren’t quite accurate?”

“What is going on inside of me?”

Crossroads…ignore or listen…shake it off because you’re fine, or explore the possibility of….?

I have this mental picture of myself on a tightrope over a dense layer of fog. I can’t see below the fog. If I let go (I’m so exhausted and defeated) will I die or is there a safety net?

You are brave enough, strong enough, smart enough. To surrender to the questions trying to be asked. To explore possibility of better. To not stop your healing process.