Trigger Warning***I’m Fine…

My word for 2020: surrender. And I said, “Ok, God.”

But I forgot to buckle up. Because I was doing fine.

So I went with it. Surrender started deepening my roots a little bit here, a little bit there; before you know it I’m pretty in tune with God; it’s working for me! I guess inner work isn’t so bad after all. Surrender is pretty okay!


But then….

The ‘Rona Fatigue sets in, things are trickier, and before I know it I can’t convince myself that I’m ok anymore. I am not fine.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations are back. A concrete blanket suffocates me. I am drowning. Again. I can’t even try to breathe.

And then…

In my suicidal depression, a healing process begun that I never saw coming. It came like a freight train.


I reached for any and every mental health tool I could get my greedy little hands on as I fought to breathe. As I fought to live. And after all of the baby steps, the willingness, the surrender, my trauma came up out of it’s lockbox of suppression.

God gave me My Big Reveal – my first vivid, honest, soul-crushing rape flashback, complete with audio.


What came in like a freight train was actually the pain coming out. Finally there was a “why” for all of the destruction in my life.

I could have ignored the baby steps, they were subtle; ignored my word for 2020; brushed aside the whisper of hope.

I was “good” with my coping skills. I was “fine.”

Do you hear it? A whisper of hope? A nudge? A “what if?”

“What if [I could think more clear-headed, I could be happier, this nagging feeling of dread could go away…]”

“What if my beliefs about [myself, my partner, my situation] aren’t quite accurate?”

“What is going on inside of me?”


Crossroads…ignore or listen…shake it off because you’re fine, or explore the possibility of….?

I have this mental picture of myself on a tightrope over a dense layer of fog. I can’t see below the fog. If I let go (I’m so exhausted and defeated) will I die or is there a safety net?

I’m fine.

You are brave enough, strong enough, smart enough. To surrender to the questions trying to be asked. To explore possibility of better. To not stop your healing process.

I was fine; now I’m healing and wholing; unspeakable peace is mine. It’s there for you too.

If you want miracles and peace and light and calm thrown in, try this prayer:


What have you got to lose?

What did I have to lose? Surrendering to healing couldn’t kill me if two suicide attempts hadn’t.

I lost: racing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, a constant feeling of dread, snapping at my kids excessively, panic attacks, depression….

Give healing a shot. And if you’re really brave, give Jesus a shot; He’s THE game changer.

What if….why not….could it be worse or better than where you are right now?

Until next time, friends, wishing you peace, light and hope for your healing journey.

Published by Surthrivor

Surthrivor: a survivor who takes control of their own recovery.

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